no vox archive is complete without this:
no vox archive is complete without this:
don’t let the title scare you, you know it’s kosher
Novel of the week
Life of Pies: A Story of Greed
After the tragic sinking of a cargo ship, one solitary lifeboat remains bobbing on the wild, blue Pacific. The crew of the surviving vessel consisting of a boy with a lot of pies and a 450-pound Royal Bengal tiger, which he promptly turns into more pies. The scene is set for one of the most extraordinary works of fiction in recent years. Why, Brad Darling says, “This book is a masterpiece. My, soon the author’ll have all of New York clamouring for his work.” I’m wasted here; did any of you go to the Lichtenstein exhibition? It’s still on until 16 May. Go this Sunday, unless you’re staying in to revise. Read this one, and tell me what the ending means, is the author trying to be annoying?
Non-Fiction Book of the week
What Quite Possibly Might Could Have Been Maybe Whatever or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Writing Unconvincing Crap
“Basically, right, if the Soviets had made it to the Moon first, then all of United States citizens would have lost faith in their government, overthrown it and either become communist or set up a utopian society where food grows without the need for farming, much like the Garden of Eden. Of course, the USA’s previous global influence did not vanish overnight, rather other nations saw what a great time the Americans were having and all decided to overthrow their respective governments, except for the USSR, where the government overthrew the people, and then turned them into Soilant Green.”
Hailed as the “best thing since ID cards”, this book was an immediate bestseller in Milwaukee and Burnley, and is currently taking the literary world by storm. A follow up is currently being compiled by veteran character actor, Brad Darling.
Tony in Cow Misery
Moments after being hit with a flour-filled condom thrown at his person, the Prime Minister Tony Blair, had a miniature cow hurled at his head whilst he and the surrounding MPs were looking in the other direction to try and spot the thrower of the condom.
The condom contained purple coloured flour. However, the authorities thought it best to evacuate the debating chamber “in case the substance was toxic and the MPs was [sic].”
Although a fathers’ rights group confessed to the throwing of the condom, no one as yet has owned up to the hurling of the miniature cow.
The owners of the only miniature cow farm in the United Kingdom had no comment and then said they were baffled.
“We’re baffled,” said Mrs and Mrs Sapphic-Lovers, in unison. “We just don’t understand how anyone could have stolen the cow without us noticing because we count them every single day. It’s bizarre.”
Tony was reported to have been unruffled by the condom but fairly ruffled by the cow, which he has now adopted and called Victim of Terrorism, or VT for short.
Cherie is delighted by the miniature cow, and everything else by the looks of it.
“The Prime Minister did really well. I think it’s brilliant that he managed to keep his wits about him after being conked on the noggin’ by a miniature cow. I certainly wouldn’t have adopted it. He did really well. He’s such a nice man. Really nice. I really think he did really well.” said Local Woman.
“The Prime Minister returned to the debating room and made some smarmy joke and then carried on talking about boring stuff. If someone has to do such a shi* boring job and feel under pressure the whole time from the whole country, I think it’s really great that it’s him,” remarked Man with Miniature Bottle of Milk.
A MARS A DAY HELPS YOU WORK, REST AND GOAT
a commentary with Cherry Pip-Clematis
GOATS TAKE THE ADVERTISING WORLD BY STORM AS THEY ARE VOTED “Most Appealing Animal of 2004/5” BY SCHOOLCHILDREN
Following the publication of the results of this year’s Most Appealing Animal Awards, which sees Goats at the top of the list in place of this year’s favourite Gibbons, many advertising companies have “modernised” traditional slogans and even brand names by adding the word goat in the hope of boosting sales in this crucial run-up to Christmas. MAAA panellists this year included celebrity Frankie Vyaryutorkin, renowned televangelist Stabilo Bosh and local milkman Herman Geraldo Schlapper, who discovered the Schlapper Effect.
Terence Stomp (above), the chairman of the National Institute of Goat Lovers, said that he couldn’t be more astounded or thrilled with this news.
“I couldn’t be more astounded or thrilled with this news. I had no idea so many people loved goats and that they should be announced Most Appealing Animal is just astounding and thrilling.”
AdvertEyes, currently the largest advertising giant in the UK, began to put up the new billboards with “modernised” taglines in the capital yesterday evening. “Basically, we don’t much care what the rest of the country thinks, as long as the Londoners react positively to these new campaigns, they’ll stay, perhaps for a long time,” remarked some man we found to comment.
SOME “MODERNISED” TAGLINES
A Mars a day helps you Work, Rest and Goat (Schmars)
Créateurs des Goats (Fenault)
Be the Goat (HOM Army)
I’m Lovin’ Goats (McRonalds)
FINGERFCUK Goats (FINGERFCUK)
The Stronger Goater-Upper (Bunty)
Cynics claim that the new campaigns are just another fad that will pass but most of the public disagree. Indeed reactions have been encouraging, with sales in goats and goat-related products at an all-time record high, which leaves this reporter in no doubt that goats are the It Boys of the Naughties.
“If You Cut Us, Do We Not Ooze Bodily Fluids?”
Zombie Demonstration in Leicester Square Causes Something Bad
by guest columnist Terence Stomp
Unrest among the undead population has reached catastrophic levels, which culminated yesterday (the day before the day you’re reading this) in a demonstration in Leicester Square.
Although several radical groups were there, such as the Conservatives and CREEP, who apparently thought it was a free-for-all when in fact the Undead had pre-booked the Square, they all soon began chanting for the Vitally and Mortally Challenged with cries of “Zombies all over the World, join hands, start a love train, love train! Let it riiiiise!”
Problems began with the release of several anti-zombie films such as 28 Days Later, Shaun of the Dead and Dawn of the Dead. The undead community feel that these films are “violently prejudiced” and are “untrue to the ideals held by zombie society.” Elders appealed to their local MP but nothing happened, which led to the demonstration yesterday. The zombies feel hard done by and are “afraid to show our [sic] faces in case angry villagefolk with pitchforks and burning torches come after us [sic].”
Luckily for them, the Government issued a statement today indicating that they had been previously unaware of the prejudiced overtones in contemporary popular culture and were leading an investigation into “such matters.”
Anti PC activists have labelled this as the “latest display of lack of sense from those idiots.” A spokesmen for the group said, “It’s a sobbing shame, that’s what it is! They’re flesh-devouring abominations and our government wants to give them equal rights on a par with you and me! What has happened to this country? To the World?”
Meanwhile, zombies in the UK are organising similar demonstrations around the world and are looking forward to a bright new future of equality, prosperity and happiness.